The Prologue

When I got engaged in December of 2006, I didn’t realize the chaos I was about to encounter. Getting engaged changes your whole world, and no matter how hard you try to not let it, it is an unstoppable force that actually seems to change the molecular structure of people’s brains. I never intended to be that bride that cares about bow sashes or different shades of pink. I never claimed to be one of those girls who had dreamed of getting married her entire life, and I was certainly not about to spend countless hours agonizing over the most minute detail that nobody cared about anyway. No, I was going to be the girl who held it all together, had the perfect intimate affair, and didn’t gain a frown line in the process. I was going to beat the system.

It wasn’t too long after the engagement happened that I started to realize what the words “fiancé” and “wedding” do to people, women specifically. Some of them scream and swoon, act like the most amazing thing ever just happened. Others are bitter, resentful and unable to think for one second about the happiness of the other person. Most people fall in the middle, excitedly resentful I guess you could call it. I don’t think it’s that they mean to be. I think it is just a natural defensive reaction in all women. Women were bred to compete to win the best man, to bear his offspring and spread his seed. We were created with an innate need to be the best, even if it only means a small victory. Beyond this, we are raised in a world that places an archaic meaning on the word relationship, and are often led to believe that we are defined by the relationships we can build and foster.

This happens to friends as much as lovers. Us women trying to hold onto every person we’ve ever met; determined to build long meaningful relationships with every person we encounter. It is why women are not as good at having one night stands. We just can’t let go. And why? I think if there was an answer for that it would change a lot of things in this world. I think part of our behaviour is just instinctive, and some of that can never be changed. We just feel the need to make everyone like us, to please everyone and to never move on. We torture ourselves in countless toxic relationships, blaming the person we’re in it with for the way they make us feel, and not taking the initiative to break it off like you would with a bad lover. Breaking up with a friend with whom you are incompatible doesn’t seem to be an option. That would be failure. It would be social suicide, the cessation of a torture you’ve grown accustom to, and it would be one of the best things in your life.

There seems to be this assumption, that the mere act of being proposed to by the man you love will forever change your demeanour. You are now expected to be permanently happy. All the time, no matter what, happy. After all, what do you have to complain about? You’re getting married, you’ve found the one, you are so lucky. Never mind that the entire idea of marriage goes against what you stand for, or that the thought of throwing a large wedding, complete with unity candles and mind-numbing traditions makes you want to run screaming for the hills. None of that matters, what matters is you’ve secured yourself a place in the circle of wives, where you can look down upon single girls and those serial daters who never seem to find “the one”. Your journey is over, you’ve caught your prey and you have absolutely no choice but to embrace it, or face the wrath of those who are not yet so lucky. You are now part of an elite group of women, and you cannot for a second believe that you will ever be free. So much of the time it seems, marriage is not about the making a commitment to the person you love, it’s about proving to the world that someone could love you forever.

Of course, not all women are like this. There is a large collection of us who have never gone on a husband hunt. Those who are perfectly content to casually date, or live in a long term committed relationship with a man, who is not technically your husband. We are the realists. The content few who don't see marriage as a must have. We are the Anti-Brides. These are the people who believe that marriage and commitment are not mutually exclusive, and who respect themselves and their partner enough to use words instead of legally binding contracts to nourish their relationship. It’s not to say women in this group are against marriage, or that they don’t want it to happen. Instead, we simply understand that it is not a requirement for happiness, and that it certainly does not change much of anything overall. A strong relationship will grow stronger, regardless of a ceremonial promise, and a weak relationship will continue to deteriorate, despite being legally bound to survive. The overarching theme of this group of women is that they lack the desperation and the constant need to be validated by their partner. They do not define who they are by who they are with, and they do not allow a relationship to dictate any facet of their lives. Instead they stand strong, as supportive partners and equals, resisting amalgamation, and working hard to avoid simply becoming someone’s “wife”.

That is quite often where the confusion lies, and things get messy. Friendships end, your once BFF is now simply a close acquaintance, and the two of you look at each other and wonder how it is you've made it this far, when your ideals are so different. The husband hunters cannot for a moment comprehend what it means to want to get married, but to also not care if you ever do. And the Anti-brides? Well we just don't understand why you would care whether the centerpieces were fuchsia or magenta (is there a difference?). In fact, most of us don't even understand the need for centerpieces at all.

There is a simple way to tell the Husband Hunters from the Anti-Brides. Allow the latter type to get engaged, and watch what happens to the former. The gloves are off, the nails are out and it is go time. There is no way the husband hunter would ever allow the laid back anti-bride to get married ahead of her.