Chapter 1 - OMG you're ENGAGED!!!!

This is that moment I mentioned before, where you, as a woman, are supposed to race into every social function from here on out, flashing your 1 carat Tiffany’s solitaire at anyone with eyeballs, and finding ways to use the word “finance” where it does not belong. “Oh you’re sink is plugged hey? I remember when my FIANCE told me about the time he plugged his sink 6 years before he met me, it was bad”. This is what happens to the Husband Hunters. Never mind that they don’t even know the middle name or terrible teeth picking habit of their husband-to-be. And why should it matter? She’s got the ring so life is good.

As an anti-bride, you experience this moment quite differently. You are nothing short of absolutely ecstatic that the man you love loves you back, and that you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together. You’re not rolling your eyes at the thought or shying away. You are a realist, not one of those kooky feminist types who think all men are evil monsters out to suck every ounce of individuality out of you (and I am not saying this is a general theme for all feminists, just that there are SOME that seem to think this way). But you’re cautiously optimistic, a little nervous about telling people, and certainly not into throwing the dreaded “F” word around unless absolutely necessary. You’re wearing a ring that is so perfectly you, you think it’s possible that said F word hypnotized you to pick it out for yourself. This ring is also not likely from a store like Tiffany’s, didn’t cost anywhere near something with 5 zero’s, and god forbid, may not even be a diamond. It is also the kind of ring that will forever have idiots and husband hunters questioning why you would wear a ring on your “wedding finger” if you’re not married. I mean, no one would choose a non-traditional ring to profess their love, would they? Doesn’t love only come in blue boxes? With shiny diamonds and loads of debt? Isn’t that how you truly KNOW you are loved?

When you tell people you are now to be wed, you are always asked “well aren’t you happy about this?” It is not because you have tears streaming down your face, but because you are not telling them about the engagement, while simultaneously booking the wedding band, looking through fabric swatches and starting your diet of grapefruit juice and carrot sticks. As an anti-bride, you are probably telling people about your engagement before you’ve even chosen a date. This is a dangerous situation, as some people’s heads will actually explode at the thought that not every detail has been laid out and decided before the proposal actually happened. You’re simply taking all this information in, and living in the moment awhile. You’ve got the ring, you’ve got the man you love, and the rest is all details. If it happened tomorrow in Vegas or 9 years from now in your living room, you really would not care. And that is because you’re whole life has not been building up to this moment. Unfortunately YOU are part of the minority.

The worst moment in time will come if you, as an anti-bride, have a close friend who is a husband hunter. And if said husband hunter is older than you, and not engaged before you, you’ve got a real battle on your hands. Telling a husband hunter that you are in fact engaged, before them, is a can of worms that would really be better left unopened.

Of course, you cannot hide this fact from them for long. So you suck it up and make the call. Hesitant, you spill the news to someone who is supposed to be a close friend. And as you start talking you wonder why this overwhelming guilt and sudden nausea is taking over. Should this not be easy for you? She is your close friend, you are extremely happy, and aren’t friends supposed to share in each other’s joy? Of course they are, but only if it all happens in the right order.