Chapter 2 - Oh, so, you're engaged...

The response you will get from your close, husband hunting friend when you spill the news of your pending nuptials will be something akin to the feeling you get when you wake up and realize you’ve left your wallet in the back of last night’s cab, but that you can’t call to see if they found it, because your phone is also there. You almost want to kill yourself because that skin crawling sickness is taking over, but you try to be optimistic that everything will come together as it should.

Your husband hunting friend will say things like “oh that’s exciting”. But in that tone your mother used to give you when you asked how you looked before going to your 10th grade dance. In case this isn’t clear, it will be full of false approval and the attempt to be nice for the sake of your feelings. She will timidly ask if you’ve chosen a date, and move right into statements about “sea foam taffeta bridesmaids dresses”, which are really just a desperate attempt to ensure she is going to be your MOH (maid of honour for those of you lucky enough to not know that acronym). She will appear to be way more thrilled that you, but in that crazy person way in which you can just TELL she is ready to climb out on the ledge. And shortly thereafter, things will start to fall apart.

You, as the anti-bride, will continue to navigate the world of $17,000 wedding dresses (dresses should NEVER be allowed to cost as much as cars) and the idea that someone would charge you for cutting a cake. You will go through countless conversations that involve phrases like “I don’t see why the chairs have to match the garter belt” and “But I don’t want pink hearts on my invitations”. You will tell your mother/father/sister/grandma, whoever the traditionalist is (and if you’ve got only one of those, you’re truly blessed), over 100 times why you don’t think you need a limousines to go 11 blocks or why you think candle ceremonies are a horrible tradition. All the while, your husband hunter is brooding behind your back, carefully plotting her revenge in the form of outdoing your happiness. One of the best parts about this process is, while she is brooding and growing to hate you more and more each day, you are none the wiser. However, don’t let this honeymoon phase fool you, as the green monster will shortly appear.